Not much has been going on the past few days.  Yesterday, I spent the day and night preparing for my interview with Nestle for a financial analyst position (contract,w/possible rehire).  I was crazy nervous cuz I haven't been in an interview since almost 1.5 to 2 years! So my interviewing skills were pretty rusty, or the lack of them were pretty evident when I was going through possible interview questions with momz and sis.  Today, I went through some of my notes, then got dressed in my powersuit, and went on my merry way! Rode the rocket to the office, fun fun fun! Met with the HR rep, she was very nice and pleasant.  I think we hit it off.  I think it went well, at least smoothly.  Then I met with my potential manager, and she was really nice, but I dont think I really nailed the interview.  I wasn't very confident. Sigh...oh well, jus waitin for a response...i'll find out middle-late next week of my status.  Got my haircut at GOA, but i dont think it's short enuff.  not sure if i'm happy with it. i dont think i got my cute haircut that i had when i first got it done 2 months ago.  i'll find out tomorro when i try stylin it. if i dont like it, mite consider goin back 2 see if they can do anythin more to it...;oP i'm such a loser...its only hair!! Care got her haircut...looks hella nice...still long but awesome layered cut! looks good on her...we then picked up some pastries at the walnut cake house in KT. Then we got some grub @ GM on Yonge.  Browsed around in some of Yonge streets shops.  Fun times.  Headed home. chillin with katsa rite now. she picked up some takeout @metro cafe, then we rented down with love. katsa is helpin care prepare for her phone interview 2morro with an advertising firm in detroit MI! Care really wants this job, its one of the top 4 advertisin firms in the states, so she's really excited and really nervous.  Gonna watch the movie soon, then try to sleep, which may prove to be difficult cuz i got a lai cha @metro cafe, & altho it tastes really good, i mite have trouble sleepin 2nite!

Yesterday was a mess.  The day started out ok though.  Not much went on.  I dropped off mumz to work so that i could have her car, well mainly cuz i had to go to lakeshore to speak with contractor/plumber.  He showed me the work that he did, and the work he still had to do, and told me that there might be more work after he got the sys runnin.  So, everythin looked fine.  Went to Home Depot, have i ever told anyone how much i love HD?? it's amazing...so much u can do...i was almost inspired to learn how to floor tiles so that i could redo the ones at home...haha i'm such a loser.  anyhow, went on my merry way to auntie rosie to drop off her laundry at her apt(i did it for her on sunday cuz she does so much 4 me, so wats a lil laundry?).  then it was off to do a bit of grocery shoppin for popo.  picked up some veggies, and rice cakes. i'm so hooked on the savoury tomato basil! thnx to lollipop who introduced them to me when we were hungry one nite.  they're extra amazing with FRH on it!! haha, who would have knew? it's all about red hot man ;oP 

Yesterday was snow day.  My whole family stayed home from work.  Katsa called and wanted to go out to PMall to eat lunch.  So we trekked on out.  The snow wasn't so bad, and since most people didn't go to work, the roads were pretty clear of cars.  I bought a cute TripleFiveSoul red tuque.  I call it my action hat.  I also have my eye on a red fashion hat from Replay, it's it a bit much.  I'll have to think bout it.  Sis bought a few purses and some earrings, while Katsa finally decided on a cell phone provider & plan.  So we had a pretty productive snow day.  But the night was pretty rough for me.  I jus couldn't fall asleep.  Sis had the same problem and we sat and watched the tele till 2am.  Sis had to get sleep cuz she workin in da mornin, but I still could not sleep.  I was wide awake, tossing and turning, trying to relax, but a strange feeling kept trapping my body, making me feel like a heavy brick.  Everytime I closed my eyes, it felt as though my body was sinking, every limb felt like lead.  Weird.  Finally gots to bed at 6am, on the couch and awoke to chinese tele shows blaring upstairs at 9:30am.  Crawled out of bed and started mah day!  And boy did it go wrong.  There was some probs with DramaQueen.  I found out that he was uncomfortable/would feel awkward if I went to a going away party with MrCage (note:met MrCage thru DramaQueen, DramaQueen had feelings for me, but knows that we'll only be friends, nothin more...but DramaQueen requested that I not hook up with MrCage...like he could tell me who I can and cannot see...pshaw) Mssgd MrCage, and we both are tired with all this sh*t.  We don't care and will still attend the soiree.  Sis is caught in between, and altho I feel hella bad, I jus told her not to get involved anymore.  Had a few disputes on the phone with her, but we're good now.  I mean DramaQueen really needs to get over this.  He needs to move on.  It's been 2 months.  He needs to stop milking the sympathy from peeps and jus move on.  Let us be happy, cuz the good Lord knows I've had many really bad unhappy days.  Jus so tired of people tryin to run my life, tryin to tell me what to do...it has got to stop, and I have to put my foot down now. 

As if that situation wasn't enuff, there was more to call.  Store called with problems of a leak.  Pipe may have bursed.  Then I realized that it was mah bad cuz I forgot to close the windows in one of the aptmts, causing the water to freeze in the rads, causing them to leak, causing drippage in store below.  Apologized to mom profusely, and offered to pay for damages and hydro bills (a grand in heat) but mom doesnt want my money...so the 2 of us headed out to see how bad it was.  And boy was it bad.  Sheet of ice on main floor with lots and lots of water.  Took 2 hours to clean the mess, moppin, squeezin out the mops, and moppin some more.  Got a lil creative and used cardboard boxes and old pieces of carpet found in apt to help soak up some of the water.  Floors are water-damaged and it's all my fault.  Man...it was horrible and I felt responsible for the extra stress and strain on mom.  Bad bad bad...so absent-minded I am...but I thinks mom forgave me...until the next problem that comes up...

Talked to MrCage tonite.  We expressed our frustrations and anger. Gonna talk to DQ and see if I can smooth things out.  If it was jus a party then we wouldn't care, but it's a goin-away party for a good friend of Cage and DQ and well, frankly we don't wanna be the cause of any upsets or scenes. So gonna give him the heads up so that he prepare to deal with it.  MrCage really doesn't care anymore, he thinkin of avoidin the situation, me thinkin of not goin so that there will not be any situation...sux, but wat else to do?  Small sacrifices have to be made I guess, but I'm missin MrCage somethin awful.  Sadly the whole "I don't care" attitude is kind of gettin to me...how if there are no expectations, then there are no disappointments...jus wonderin...if he would ever fight for somethin that he really did care about...i.e. moi?  Maybe readin too much into this...dunno...but theres definetly sacrifices happenin...if he decides to "avoid" it all by not comin till he has to work..."a small price to pay" he says....but why must i be this small price to pay? should i be a lil upset? a lil worried bout where i stand with him in terms of how he really feels?  Probably gettin overworked up for nuthen.  It's just that I'm so used feelin that i was always top priority... so it's really difficult for me to accept and go with the flow with somthin new. Old habits are hard to break...dunno...so confused...sad... angry...feel like i dont stand anywhere rite now with anyone.  maybe i should jus adopt the "i don't care" attitude...no...i couldn't do that...cuz then i'd have no motivation to work hard for my goals..dreams...what i want... or am i being too overdramatic?? damn it...wish there was a book that told u if the person you're with is the right one for u and worth fightin for cuz you'll be happy and all will be good in life.  But all i know is how i feel.  And there are no guarantees as to the energy bein put in is worth it all cuz it's all a risk.  And it's one that i've taken.  There's not much more i can do but give it my all...i jus hope i can without screwin things up...too badly...;oP

So it's been a week since I've been back from Montreal.  It's been quite uneventful, which was to be expected.  MrCage is in NB right now, so I'm missing him very much.  But I'm taking it one day at a time...as I'm doing that with my job hunt.  Still unemployed!! I applied to a contract job with AT&T through a friend there, but just got a response today that they already found another candidate to fill that position.  FRUSTRATING!! Right now I'm waiting for a response back from BDO.  My weekend was nice and relaxed, sorta...on Friday night I chilled with Lollipop. We went for Greek at the Danforth, and did a DQ run. Had a clodhoppers blizzard, which wasn't too bad, but didn't like very much the texture of tiny bits of chocolate smooshed in the icecream. We then watched back to back episodes of Sex&theCity...hella good! Can't wait till the new episodes start up again next week! We then watched super cheesy/funny movie "the son-in-law". Nice ending to a chill night.  Drove home at 3:30am.  Love the city at that time...so peaceful and quiet...well sorta...had to share the DVP with clubbers/pub-goers/late-nite-partiers. 

This is my first entry for 2004, and we're already near the end of January. A lot has happened since my last entry, so there's plenty to catch up on.  Remember that Christmas after-party that I mentioned awhile back? And how I met someone, MrCage, during this party?  And how it caused some friction and damaged a couple of friendships due to the immaturity of how the issue was dealt with?  Well, basically, we decided that we would take the time that we had to hang out (MrCage was returning home for Christmas so we had a mere 2 weeks) despite a couple of disapprovals. We both got very sick with the flu, but managed to muster up some energy to chill.  We had a lot of fun, and we wanted to see eachother again, and decided to meet up in Montreal in January - which is halfway between NB and TO (MrCage is working at the Montreal AutoShow for about 2 weeks).  So there will be a fun trip planned for the New Year.

Christmas was nice with the family.  There wasn't too much drama as there has been in the past.  Carebear and I made Christmas dinner for our whole family...it was a great success, well either that or our family are great actors/liers.  New Years was just as nice and relaxed.  I didn't want to do the clubbing scene with my girl Lollipop so it was a chill night at Caramel's house.  

As for the rest of my life, my break was filled with excrutiating pain and confusion.  There were many times when I wanted to go back to my root of safety and comfort, but part of me wanted to venture out to the new prospect.  I was torn between 2 journeys that each could be either great successes or failures.  After a night of grueling torment of a decision that would have a huge impact on the rest of my life as I decided between staying in Toronto to try to work out things with the old or to go to Montreal and explore the new, I took a huge chance and chose to go down the new and unfamiliar path of what some may call, freedom.  I went to Montreal with a relatively open heart and proceeded with the intention that I would take things slow, and use the time for reflection, as well as to figure out what it is that I wanted.  I took the bus to Montreal from Ottawa (drove with my auntie who lived in Ottawa and came to T.O. for Christmas), and as I sat on that horribly long, stench-filled ride to the island, all I could think of was what to do and say when I would see MrCage.  The anticipation and excitement of seeing him increased with every wrenching minute that went by, and running behind our scheduled arrival made the trip even more insufferable.  I finally arrived at the Montréal Bus Central Station, and as MrCage's luggage was delayed at Le Gare Centrale, I decided to meet him at the train station.  I searched through the tired crowd and could not see him anywhere.  And then I heard his voice and as our eyes met, I felt an immediate sense of happiness and comfort.  As I was unsure as to how I felt about him, seeing him made the doubt and uncertainty slowly disappear.  It just felt great.

We stayed at L'Hotel Intercontinental (which was an incredible $440/night accomodation).  The hotel was right across from the venue in which the Auto Show was held.  I met so many amazing people during my stay in Montreal;  A.C, F.J., C.P. & his sweetheart daughter and son, S.L., E.S., the list could go on and on.  I didn't do much sight-seeing due to the deep-freeze the city was engulfed in.  Temperatures of -45 with the windchill as well as warnings from doctors that skin would get frostbite within 5 minutes of exposure kept me in my cozy hotel room.  We discovered a series of underground paths, that took to me a few malls, and so that kept me quite busy for most of my days.  Our hotel was close to quite a few attractions, in particular, we were one block from Old Montreal.  I ventured out a couple of days to walk the streets of Old Montreal, and found myself awe-struck by the magnificantly rich architecture, charming boutiques and restaurants, and fascinating art galleries (of which my sister would have been in sheer heaven if she had come with me).  MrCage managed to get an exhibitors pass from A.C., and I was able to go in and out of the show as I pleased.  On our first Saturday we went to a club called "Living", and supposedly we were on guest list.  However, quebecors do things backwards, and being in the regular line up was more beneficial than being on guest list, for they kept letting the non-guests in first (well maybe I should also mention that some were paying the bouncers).  We wouldn't have minded if the temperature wasn't hovering around -30, as we stood in line shivering.  We finally gave up, even though we were next in line, and quickly ran to the next club, Le Belmont.  The music started off with local beats, but then the mainstream hiphop and r&b came full blast and we all had a fantastic time.  Great friends, good music, and lots of laughs (and for some, alcohol) was all that we needed to have fun.

I would like to return to Montreal during the warm summer months and explore its many more splendors of architecture and culture as it was difficult to enjoy walking through the city when my body was numb from the fierce cold.  I had an amazing time in Montreal.  All went smoothly except for one afternoon of tears, heartache, worry, and anguish, but I won't taint this entry with the details.  However, with the strength and comfort from those whom I care and adore, I came to the realization of what I wanted and the path that I wanted to take.  Thank you to all my new Montreal friends for making my trip memorable and so much fun.   And a special thanks to, as F.J. so eloquently puts, l'enfant du soleil...for everything, it's with you that I feel happiest...with you it just feels right.

Until my next entry...peace.

I realize that it's been a long time since I last blogged, so I thought I'd start up again.  Here's the update on what's been going on.  JambaShrimp came to da T.Dot and we all had an awesome time.  I won't lie to ya, there were many difficult times...broke down in tears a couple of nights & days, but for the most part I tried to suck it up...for Jamba's sake of course.  But Jamba's visit helped alot...I miss her lots! Mmmm...next event in my life...I'm tryin to get back into the dating game...I did meet someone at my friend's after party.  It almost didn't happen due to some...err...issues that I did not agree with.  Anyhow, I really don't want to get into it right now, but I'm quite content right now with what's going on with my life.  Although, the whole job issue is still up in the air, and my mom is driving me nuts with the whole break up with the ex...I just don't know what to do withe her!!! I mean she just doesn't understand that we're no longer together, that he's seeing someone right now, that I'm trying to get on with my life...but I'm told to just to suffer her wrath and let her whine...cuz no matter what I say or do, she won't be happy until I either get back with the ex, or find another nice chinese boy...(cuz the boy I'm currently seeing isn't...but mom doesn't know this...and if she did...well we'll just leave it at that).  She's so convinced that I made a mistake, that I should try harder to get back with him, that I'm not doing enough...and she doesn't understand the whole "we're friends" thing.  Maybe we shouldn't be friends (which is what everyone is telling me to do), sever all ties, and that's that! But then I think about it all, and he's really an important part of my life, he's still a good friend to me, we still have fun...but can you still be friends?? Is there such a thing?? Can two people who's lives have been intertwined for so long, be able to stay within their boundaries and not cross that fine line between friends and couple?? Only time will tell I guess...In the meantime, I have to deal with mom and her disappointment with my life...

I woke up this morning, thinking that today would be a good day.  I had lots to do.  I woke up real early to drive my mum to work so that I could have the car for the day.  I had an appointment to meet with a locksmith to change the locks on one of the apartments.  I then headed to the office to pick up the digicam for the FRH promo for Thursday night.  I talked to my buddies there for awhile, catching up on what they did on their weekends, what's new, etc.  It was all good.  I was happy to see them and it helped keep me busy.  I then went on my merry way and met up with a friend for lunch at the mall.  Just when I thought my day was going to be great, I got a disturbing/hurtful/painful call.  A friend of mine called me and I could tell she was upset.  She told me that she was upset with something I told another friend of mine, whereby I accused her of something she may have said.  And she wanted to set the record straight that she didn't do it.  And then old issues were brought up again, and slowly, I could see my once-a-good-day was going to the shit.  I tried to explain to her that the reason I didn't confront her with it wuz becuz I didn't have proof and so I didn't think I had the right to believe in the "accusation"...I wasn't accusing her of anything...but she was under the impression that I was.  I was frustrated and upset, and what made everything even worse was that she thought that if our friendship was one where I was always upset with her...then we shouldn't have one (at least that's what I got from her before she hung up on me). I didn't know what to think or say...I was angry...very angry...sad too...and also tired of feeling like shit.  I tried to put it away, but my friend who I was having lunch with could see through it. 

So my sister and I finally had the "talk" with my mom, and man was it emotional!! My sister was crying, I was crying, my mom was crying, but hardest and most painful part of it was to see my grandma cry...I didn't know what to do...she was upset about our news of breaking up with the guys in our lives. She didn't understand why we did what we did, nor could we explain ourselves because of the communication barrier.  I can hold daily conversations with her, but to explain what we were feeling and our reasons for our actions was impossible.  It was so difficult to see her so upset over this.  I couldn't say anything...all I did was cry because I made her upset...one of the most important person in my life, who took us in when we had no place to go, who helped raise us and taught us how to cook, to be respectful and caring people, to work hard and above all...to be forgiving...and I disappointed her...and it was so hard to see her like this.  She wanted us to try to work things out. She told us that she could see how much we loved these guys...so she couldn't understand why we both ended our relationships.  Over the years, she learned to accept these guys, and dare I say, begin to care about them.  I feel like a terrible and horrible person to make my grandma feel this way...to make her cry...I know it's not enough just to try to work things out simply because I don't want to disappoint my grandma...but I feel I need to do some serious soul searching and figure things out...
Now, my mom's opinion on relationships is that relationships are difficult and every relationship has its problems, which I totally agree with...Not one is going to be perfect, and if we couldn't work things out now, then how did we expect to work things out in our next one...because if it's not one thing...it'll be another.  From my mom's experience over the years with hers as well as with many people that she has spoken to (family, friends), said that men are controlling by nature...they can't help it...or if they can...it'll take years for them to change...it won't happen over night.  Sometimes women have to close their eyes and ears and bear with it for awhile.  Many of her friends and many of our family members have said that even after 10-25 years...it's still hard.  We have to learn to tolerate it, to make it work, and it takes hard work to make it last...it doesn't get easier over the years...no matter how easy movies, television and society portrays it to be.  It's a struggle...and those who survive, just work hard at it.  My aunts and uncles each had their share of marriage/relationship struggles.  The men were controlling and difficult...but the women took a step back...and tolerated their men..because in the end...they were still good men.  They still worked hard to provide for their family, to love them and fought hard to protect them.  When my grandma was younger, she was shipped out to marry my grandfather under an arranged marriage.  She didn't know him nor did he know her.  He was very controlling and had many many faults, but my grandma stuck it out and worked hard to keep her marriage and family together...she had no choice.  I know we're not in the 30's or 40's and we're not in another country...we're here...in Canada, in the 21st century, but I can't help but wonder if it weren't for my grandma's fight to keep her marriage together, would I even where I am today...healthy...happy...well-educated...got to participate in all kinds of sports and activities...with a great family who even though drives me nuts, still loves me and my sister very much??!!  My mom, along with many other people, unfortunately have made decisions that they long regret.  They had certain special people in their lives that they let go due to issues that seemed unresolvable at the time, but when they looked back, they regretted their decisions, and by then it was too late.  I asked my mom if it was a culture thing..since all the men she talked about were chinese...who are controlling (as I can see through my uncles and friends)...but she said that it's found in many other cultures and started naming off a few examples of her friends who weren't of asian descent.

Bottom line is my mom doesn't want me nor my sister to make the same mistakes she and many others did.  I wish there was a crystal ball to tell me if I've met the person for me, so that I don't make the mistake of letting him go.  That way I'll be sure I'll be happy.  The choices we make are huge risks that we take...I'm just wondering if I made the right choice...and if not...is it too late to change my mind?  If he was willing to take me back those countless times that I made him sad cuz he accepted who I was...then why can't I accept him for who is and work things out? The worse thing is that it might all be too late...and I won't have the chance to try again. 

I'm about to go into a "family discussion" with my mom and my sister.  My mom wants to discuss/lecture or whatever you want to call it about how my sister and I are living our lives.  Apparently we're not respecting our family values.  There are expectations from us and we're not fulfilling these.  And so far...if we don't like it...as my mom as been telling us...we can always leave the family.  That was part of the pre-discussion....a taste of what to come as you may call it...it'll be interesting to see who takes the first step into my sis and I leaving the family...it'll come down to a choice, and it'll be very difficult for me to hold back from getting cut off...I'll keep you posted as to the conclusion of the "talk"...

Today has been a fantastic day...I got the chance to hang out with a group of old friends from highschool.  It was one of my long-time best friend's birthday and I decided to call up a few of my old buddies to join in on the festivities.  It was like a highschool reunion!!  We went to Le Biftheque for dinner. I had the prime rib (it was on special!!)  It was quite yummy! It's been a year since I've hung out with these guys, and back then we were a tight group of peeps...and I realized today that I missed them a lot.  After dinner, we went to Mix 2 to play pool.  It was like old times!!! Then we hit a bubble tea spot.  Apparently, these guys have a saturday night routine.  They go out for a movie/dinner, then they take out bubble tea at the same bubble tea place they always go to...and chill at one of the guy's house...until about 6 in the morning!!...Well, I didnt quite get to the house chilling, but it still felt like old times.  I got to catch up with what's going on in each of their lives, and realized that some things never change...which is nice to see, especially in a crazy world like today.  I miss that.  I remember hanging out with them back in the day.  We would play basketball in the middle of the night, or go for bubble tea, and we always ended up chilling out at someone's house till the wee hours of the morning, playing video games or watching movies.  Sigh...we had some good times.  I'm glad to see that they make time to hang out with eachother every weekend...something that I lost over the years..but will now make a more consious  effort to join them.  We had so many laughs tonite....mostly making fun of eachother...I don't think I've ever laughed so hard than I did tonite...I was in tears!!! but I definetly needed it...especially with what's going on in my life...and I don't think I could have asked for anything more than hanging out with the peeps that meant so much to me back then...and still do.  It's been an amazing night...just like the good old days.